my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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