Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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