nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
no you cant smoke seaweed
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
