So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
