i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
