I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
