Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
