My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
