Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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