How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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