I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
