Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
