i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
