Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
