I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
