trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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