He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
