i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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