whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
