Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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