Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
