I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
