Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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