Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
She announced her abortion via fbk
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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