yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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