i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
