if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
