I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
