Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
