does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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