you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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