Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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