I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
