If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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