Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
