A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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