guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
