Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize