Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I didn't notice because vodka
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
