FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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