I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
