Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
