Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
