and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
