My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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