He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
