His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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