True but thats because hes a fetus.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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