Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
