I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Randomize
