Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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