$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
