She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
