fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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