Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
