my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
