I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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