fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
