Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Randomize
