i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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